I hope you wake up tomorrow with a smile on your lips and a lighter heart. I hope you find joy in the morning and bask in the gift that is life given for you to live. I hope you truly, finally, laugh with all your heart. I hope that things change for the better and that you emerge a stronger and wiser person from this. Know that you are not weak for choosing not to fight- some battles need not be fought. You’ve chosen to what you deem best and I support you on that. You’ve been fighting so long. It’s about time you take a rest.

You will be okay.

– I wrote this for you
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thoughts on your leaving

i tried to sleep off the revelation of your leaving but the first thoughts that came to me the moment i was fully awake was your confession and i realize my efforts to keep myself unaffected was in vain.

i understand where you’re coming from. i understand the necessity of such a decision. which is why i hesitate to persuade you to decide otherwise- your well-being is most important seeing how much things have affected you in the past few months. would it be selfish to ask you to reconsider? to ask you to stay?

im not sure where this is coming from- this uneasiness of the thought of you leaving. perhaps this is more than that. is this guilt from not having seen through the reason for your distance? is this guilt for not allowing you some explanation before i jumped to conclusions?

i wanted to ask. i wanted to know. i wanted to be better friends with you and i thought that trip would allow that but instead i let you alienate me and i alienated you in return – two can play at this game, i thought. but the truth- i had known too late- is that you were confused and troubled and i didn’t see that. now it makes why we didn’t click and i’m sorry i should have known better. only now do the silences make sense, the non-participation, why you suddenly grew cold and distant (and i was wrong to think it was shame).

i’m sorry i couldn’t save you.

the unbearable frustration of not being

lately i’ve been feeling empty. it’s as if there’s a hole in my chest and the past few days since my return consisted of trying to fill that hole to no avail. i thought this was a simple matter of just wanting to be alone and processing the experience of independence in the past 28 days but when i finally got some quiet time, i realized i wanted none of it. i didn’t want to be alone with my mind.

initially i wasn’t sure why but now i know: i didn’t want to confront my doubts, thoughts, longings, etc. i still don’t but now that they’re out in the open- having been set loose through a conversation with a friend- i see no sense in avoiding them any longer.

the crushing feeling of not being – that is what this is all about.

not being good enough

smart enough

eloquent enough

pretty enough

feminine enough

talented enough

not being who i want to be

able to express myself

able to enjoy the things i want

who i am supposed to be

 

and it frustrates me because i know i’m capable of being all those things if i tried hard enough but the thing is, i’m not trying as hard as i should be. and if there’s one thing i should have to at least give me a right to these frustrations, it should be trying but even in that aspect i’m half-assed. damn it how do you get out of this?

I may not have been honest with myself. Back then I deliberately refused to let my thoughts out simply for fear of what people might think when they come across them but I realize that has done me more harm than good. There is no joy in constraint. There is no satisfaction in non-expression. There is no improvement in avoidance.

So here it is. To being brave and honest.

I hope this gets me somewhere.