lately i’ve been feeling empty. it’s as if there’s a hole in my chest and the past few days since my return consisted of trying to fill that hole to no avail. i thought this was a simple matter of just wanting to be alone and processing the experience of independence in the past 28 days but when i finally got some quiet time, i realized i wanted none of it. i didn’t want to be alone with my mind.
initially i wasn’t sure why but now i know: i didn’t want to confront my doubts, thoughts, longings, etc. i still don’t but now that they’re out in the open- having been set loose through a conversation with a friend- i see no sense in avoiding them any longer.
the crushing feeling of not being – that is what this is all about.
not being good enough
not being who i want to be
able to express myself
able to enjoy the things i want
who i am supposed to be
and it frustrates me because i know i’m capable of being all those things if i tried hard enough but the thing is, i’m not trying as hard as i should be. and if there’s one thing i should have to at least give me a right to these frustrations, it should be trying but even in that aspect i’m half-assed. damn it how do you get out of this?